April 1

Well, I know all the real blogs are doing elaborate April Fool's gags, but I'm going to save that for next year. Still, I want to entertain, so today we're doing do an MST3k-style commentary track for the Korean dinosaur movie Tarbosaurus aka Speckles The Tarbosaurus.



Thanks to the fascists on Youtube, the old timestamps I found are completely useless, so I'm afraid you'll have to the do the work for yourself.

There's the links:

http://vimeo.com/58128114

http://vimeo.com/58132302

And here's the commentary!

I hate the narrator already

Naked tyrannosaur but it’s still cute

That’s a real reach-Your face was covered in mucus. Should have been called “Mucus the Tarbosaurus”

Speckles? Really? It’s like discovering an Azdarchid and naming it Fluttershy

Korea is beautiful, but the CG is hideous

I’m assuming those are Pukyongosaurus. Nice to see some obscure species for once

I hate this narrator even more

What’s with the crocodile-style skin?

There’s something off about those eyes

I’m rooting for the Charonosaurus. At least they don’t have a shrill voiceover

They don’t even need dialogue. Hell, this isn’t even dialogue. They’re not even talking to each other. It’s one person in the booth at a time

This is basically the same sequence from When Dinosaurs Roamed America and Dinosaur Planet.

Nice to see that each Tarbosaur looks slightly different. Looks like the baddie is a red one

NO IT ISN’T! REPENOMAMUS IS THE PREHISTORIC POSSUM BADGER! IT’S A TOTAL BADASS! IT SHOULD HAVE ITS OWN FILM! AAAAAAGH!

Oh shut up

Naked Therizinosaurus. Well, it looks like they’re refusing to put feathers on ANYONE

One wonky looking Therizinosaur. I mean, they’re pretty weird looking as it is, but this depiction is even weirder

The whole family runs?!It’s like a pride of lions running away from a single buffalo

That Tyrannosaurus is in the WRONG DAMN CONTINENT

No, it’s not an Ankylosaurus. Unless it got lost and crossed continents with the Tyrannosaurus in hot pursuit

Oh come on! Tyrannosaurs were smart for their size, but not THAT smart. I guess outside of Land Before Time, TYRANNOSAURS drop rocks on YOU!

Even Tsintaosaurus looked weirder than usual

LEEEEEEROY! JEEEEEEEEEEENKIIIINS!

Cue Zulu choir

Was that a Torosaurus? In Mongolia? Have we entered the bizarre world of Disney’s Dinosaur where Brachiosaurus, Iguanodon, and Carnotaurus all hung around with Late Cretaceous American animals?

Cue the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh, that’s just implausible.

Again, cue NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I mean, was this actually the plan of the T.rex? Was it hunting or did it deliberately cause a stampede? Did he use Velociraptor henchmen? Did he sing “Be Prepared” the previous day? If you’re going to anthropomorphize them that much, give them personalities and their own voices!

 “Long live the Queen” And the T.rex choke-slams the mom off a cliff. Not sure if that’s physically possible

Mufasa doesn’t die until 38 minutes into the Lion King.  Littlefoot’s mom’s death scene is 3 minutes long. We’re only 20 minutes in and it takes about 2 minutes to wipe out the whole family. This is, well, rushed. It’s hard to feel empathy for any of the characters if they don’t talk and we only have one scene of the family

And then it eats the kid. What? That’s what most predators do. Scar tried to do that

Oh my god! An actual feathered dinosaur! *cue heavenly choir*

Yeah, how dare you not confront the mature adult Tyrannosaurus who could have eaten you like a Hershey’s Kiss!

And the Velociraptors have been shaved except for their mohawks! They’re punk dromeosaurs!

What kind of pterosaurs are they, anyway? They look like mutant naked Azdarchids, but I don’t know of any in the region. And would it be nyctosaurs by the ocean anyway?

Okay, the pterosaur’s reveal was funny

Must be nearsighted to have missed the chick

Especially since Hypsilophodon went extinct about 30 million years earlier. This is reminding me of a book I had as a kid featuring a Deinonychus running down a psittacosaurus. Let me do some quick searching…ah. Haya lived in China, but about 10 million years before.

Well, that scene went nowhere

Because Tarbosaurs smiled a lot

Well, that was convenient

Hans Zimmer should Sue-I mean sue

This is a lateral move as narration goes

Torosaurus is too cool for this moive

What, BOTH horns at once? Man, that has to suck. This is such a ripoff of the scene in Walking With 

Dinosaurs

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He got his claws stuck in a tree! That’s so ludicrous!

Another problem-is this a documentary or a narrative? We didn’t get briefs on the Serengeti from Simba

This has been another pointless moment

Oh come on! Is that Tyrannosaur just magnetically attracted to Speckles?

According to this movie, Tyrannosaur skins are made of steel alloy.

Oh shut up

Oh come on! You don’t just jump out of 10 foot deep mud, especially if you’re 6 tons

Wait, that’s it ? They just run away offscreen? Seriously?

My guess is that they’re going back to North America where they belong

It’s the Pretty Mediocre Valley!

What itchiness? What injury?

Christ! Bill and Ted didn’t have as many time warps!

Does One-Eye have NOTHING better to do than follow our hero? The rex in Planet of the Dinosaurs 

wasn’t this persistent!

Oh come on! Tarbosaurus could never CATCH  a Torosaurus by the neck and THROW them.

The way this Tyrannosaur is dropping boulders I expect him to have somehow build a fully-functional catapault for the climax

In its search for mates, the Tyrannosaurus relentlessly chases Tarbosaurs across Asia. Wait….

And tyrannosaurs can climb cliffs. By this point, I’ve given up all attempts to connect this reality

Is that his only move? Chokeslamming?  The WWE has less predictable fights

Can you imagine if in Rocky 3, Mr.T kept chasing him and beating up Rocky every ten minutes?

THIS WAS ONLY 30 MINUTES AGO!  WE KNOW! WE SAW! MOVE ON WITH IT!

You can just power out of the chokeslam? Well, that would have helped his mom

What’s with all these tyrannosaurus throwing each other and falling off cliffs like nothing happened? 

You’d think that would leave a mark at least.

And now he kills One-Eye.  Well, why not?

“I’M SPECKLES!”  You cannot write that in a script and expect anyone to take it seriously.

Now for the victory shag

“I’ll get you next time, Speckles! Next time!” They should totally have given One-Eye dialogue

I guess the actress didn’t have the sex scene in her contract

That was a quick gestation

Speckles Jr. That’s quite an ego, considering it also has her mother’s blue eyes

The Cretaceous is always doomed. I know, I know

Wouldn’t be a dinosaur film without the gratuitous seismic and geothermal activity. *sigh*

The eyes on these dinosaurs look really cartoony

Another totally gratuitous death. Was this written by JK Rowling?

Those evil Velociraptors! Their nefarious behavior of…doing exactly what you do

Okay, that was a pretty cool fight scene

This scene is right out of Raptor Red…only that we don’t care about the characters

How many raptors can there possibly be? He’s killed like 3 dozen of them!

If we knew anything about her, this would be really sad

Oh no. These endless deserts…I’m getting Dinosaur flashbacks!

The Fairly Decent Valley!

What are the odds! Is One-Eye Keyer Soze?

Naturally the path is directly on a cliff

TWO dinosaur stampedes off cliffs. This is just lazy writing

You know it’s ridiculous when the dinosaur is questioning this

I admit the music is nice and epic

And somehow the Tyrannosaur survives his fall off a cliff

I should make a gif of the Tarbosaurus making an Olympic dive off a cliff

And…direct hit. Sure, why not.

And this is what, fight #5?

Disgusting? I think Tylosaurus are lovely

Dude, it’s over. Stop attacking him. You’re only making this movie longer

Deus Ex Lacertilla the size of a submarine. Sure, why not

That is a cool image-I wonder if tyrannosaurs carried their young in their mouths the way crocs do

The end! Well, that was surprisingly dark for an ending, but it’s sweet that the father dies with their chi-oh

 

Thank you! Good night everybody!